Hope you enjoy the money sayings and money jokes.

.
GREAT MONEY QUOTES AND QUOTATIONS 
Spike Milligan
Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.
Bill Vaughan
Money won't buy happiness, but if will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
English Proverb
A fool and his money are soon parted.
Voltaire
When it is a question of money, everbody is of the same religion.
Henry Youngman
i've got all the money i'll ever need if i die by four o'clock.
Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
Oscar Wilde
When i was young i thought money was the most important thing in my life, now that i am old i know that it is.
Unknown
The rael measure of your wealth is how much you'd be worth if you lost all your money.
Satchel Paige
Money and women. They're two of the strongest things in the world. The things you do for a woman you wouldn't do for anything else. Same with money.

Anonymous

Money does make all the difference. If you have two jobs and you're rich, you have diversified interests. If you have two jobs and you're poor, you're moonlighting.

Eddie Cantor

It takes twenty years to make an overnight success.

George Bernard Shaw
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

Charles Dickens

Annual income twenty pounds,annual expenditure nineteen six, result happiness. Annual income twenty pounds, annual expenditure twenty pounds ought and six, result misery.
Groucho Marx
Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since i dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.
Marlon Brando
Never confuse the size of your paycheck with the size of your talent.
John Maynard Keyes
The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that still carries any reward.
P.T.Barnum
Money is a terrible master but an excellent servant.
Bernard Levin.
It is assumed that when anyone gets into debt, the fault is entirely and always the fault of the lender.
John Paul Getty
If you owe the bank $100, that's your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that's the bank's problem.
Edgar Watson Howe
A man is usually more careful of his money than he is of his principles.
J Paul Getty 11
If you can count your money then you are not really a rich man.,

.

MISCELLANEOUS QUOTES AND QUIPS

Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

Earl Wilson

Success is simply a matter of luck. Ask any failure.

Mary Quant

Having money is rather like being a blonde. It is more fun but not vital.

Winton G Rossiter

If it ain't broke, don't fix it-unless you are a consultant. 

.

ALTERNATIVE MEANING OF WORDS!!

Bachelor
(Ed Wynn)

A man who never makes the same mistake twice.

Bore
(Bert Leston Taylor)

A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.

Classic
(Mark Twain)

A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read.

Cynic
(Oscar Wilde)

A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Future
(Ambrose Bierce)

The period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Love
(Jerome K Jerome)

Love is like measles, we all have to go through it.

Nation
(Dean Inge)

A Nation is a society united by a delusion about its ancestry and by a common hatred of its neighbours.

Pessimist

The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole.

Year
(Ambrose Bierce)

A Period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments

Compromise

The Art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes that they got the biggest piece. 

Benjamin Franklin
Creditors have better memories than debtors.


MONEY JOKES AND HUMOUR FROM ACROSS THE GLOBE.
The best way of saving money is to forget the person you borrowed it from
A father is explaining ethics to his son,who is about to go into business."Suppose a woman comes in an orders 50 of goods. You wrap it up, and give it to her. She pays you with a 50 note. As she goes out of the door you realise she has given you two 50 notes. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner? 
A man being mugged by two thugs puts up a tremendous fight! Finally the thugs subdued him and took his wallet. Upon finding only 5 in his wallet the surprised thug said "Why did you put up such a fight?" To which the man promptly replied " I was afraid that you would find the 200 hidden in my shoe!"
QUESTION: How do you successfully freeze your financial assets?

ANSWER: Invest in an Icelandic bank
An English teacher asked her class to write an essay on what they'd do if they had a million pounds. John handed in a blank sheet of paper. John! yelled the teacher, you've done nothing why?!
Because if i had a million pounds, that's exactly what i would do said John!

Why did Robin Hood steal from the rich?
Because the poor didn't have any! 

A couple were having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "if it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied " My dear, if it weren't for your money i wouldn't be here."

Two women were walking through the woods when they hear a voice from under a log. Investigating, the women discovered the voice was coming from a frog.
 
Help me ladies!! I am a Lehman investment banker who, through an evils witch's curse has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me i will return to my former state.
 
The first woman grabbed the frog and put it in her handbag. The second woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn,t you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into an investment banker?"
 
The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a Lehman investment banker!"
An elderly lady receives an email from the son of a deceased African general, asking whether he could transfer millions of pounds into her bank account in return for a 20% cut. All the son needs is the sort code and account number. Not realising she is the victim of a Nigerian email fraud, she emails back the details. A couple of minutes later she receives an e-mail back from the general's son: 'Icesave?!' What is this, some sort of scam?"

Last week I bought a life insurance retirement policy. All I´ve got to do is keep up the payments for 15 years and my agent can retire.

USELESS MONEYFACTS FROM THE PAST TO THE PRESENT
TIP is the acronym for "To Insure Promptness"
The first credit card was launched by American Express in 1951 
The average adult in the UK now owes 33,000 through mortgages, credit cards and personal loans compared with 17,000 in 2000, the international accountancy firm PricewaterhouseCoopers claims.
13% of coins and 42% of notes test positive for unpleasant bacteria
Japan has an ATM machine that heat presses each note at 393 degrees for one-tenth of a second before it is dispensed to solve the problem above
There are 191 official currencies worldwide
When flipping a coin three times as many people guess heads as tails!!!!
The first country to use paper money was china
Pictures of Queen Elizabeth II appear on the banknotes of 34 countries
VAT was introduced into Britain in 1973

Insurance Jokes