Insurance Quotations & Insurance Jokes.


Insurance -  An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating the man who keeps the table.Ambrose Bierce

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.Al Bundy

Simply by not owning three medium-sized castles in Tuscany I have saved enough money in the last forty years on insurance premiums alone to buy a medium-sized castle in Tuscany. Ludwig Mies van der Rohe

Unemployment Insurance provides prepaid vacations for a segment of our country which has made it a way of life Ronald Reagan

People who live in glass houses should take out insurance.Anonymous

I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so. Stephen Leacock

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs. Kin Hubbard quotes (American Humorist and Writer)

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?Woody Allen

Americans have an abiding belief in their ability to control reality by purely material means, airline insurance replaces the fear of death with the comforting prospect of cash. Cecil Beaton

The Act of God designation on all insurance policies; which means, roughly, that you cannot be insured for the accidents that are most likely to happen to you. Alan Coren.


Ian’s barn burned down and his wife, Nicola Moorby, called the insurance company. Nicky told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for £100,000 and I want my money." The agent replied, "Wait there, just a minute, Nicky. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth." There was a long pause before Nicky replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband Ian."

“Don't let me pressure you,” the life insurance salesman said. “Sleep on it tonight. If you wake up in the morning, you can give me a call.”

Private Jones was assigned to the army induction centre, where he was responsible for advising new recruits to the British army about their government benefits, including their life insurance policies.

It wasn’t long before Captain Jon Blackwell noticed that Private Jones was having a very high success rate, selling army life insurance to nearly 100% of the army recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain Jon Blackwell stood in the back of the room and listened to Private Jones life insurance sales pitch. 
Jones explained the basics of the life insurance policy to the new army recruits, and then said: “If you have the life insurance policy and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay £150,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have the life insurance, and you go into battle in Afghanistan for example and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of £7,000.
Now,” he concluded, “which group of soldiers do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

A drunk wanders into a bar and yells, " I think all insurance agents are crooks". A man quickly rushes up to the drunk and shouts "You take that back." The drunk replies, "Why are you an insurance agent?", the man, in a rage, shouts back, "No, I'm a crook".

A Life insurance Actuary, a Lawyer and an Accountant were discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife. The lawyer reckons it was better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce. The accountant reckons it was definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective. The life insurance actuary reckons it was better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.

Malcolm walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. "We don't need anyone," the boss replied."You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything.""Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job." Malcolm was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks - one for £20,000.00 and another for £40,000.00."How in the world did you do that?" the boss asked."I told you I'm the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!""Did you get a urine sample?" the boss asked him."What's that?" he asked."Well, if you sell a policy over £20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples."Malcolm was gone about six hours and they were preparing to close when in he walks in with two gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, "Here's Mr. Jones and this one is Mrs. Merediths""That's good," the boss said, "but what's in those two buckets?""Well, I passed by the InterContinental Hotel and they were having a County Money State Teacher's Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!"

An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade. "I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?" "Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap."

Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client."What do you mean?" asked the woman. "If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the life insurance salesman. The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a dog."

A travel insurance agent was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. When he rubbed it, there was a puff of smoke and a genie appeared.

"I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But I must warn you: since Satan hates me for my good deeds, for every wish you make, your rival will get the wish as well only double."

The travel insurance salesman thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million pounds," he announced. Instantly, the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that £10,000,000 had been deposited. "But your rival has just received £20,000,000," the genie said.

"I''ve always wanted a Ferrari," the salesman said. Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But your rival has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?"

"Well," said the salesman, "I''ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

Mr. Malcolm Meredith, was a rich old man who was dying from a rare disease. On his deathbed, he called for his insurance agent, doctor and preacher. "I trusted each you my entire life. Now I want to give each of you £50,000 cash in an envelope to put in my grave. I want to take it with me." Mr. Meredith died and at the funeral, each one placed the envelope on top of the man, then he was laid to rest. 

On the way from the funeral, in the limousine, Gary Smith the doctor confessed "I must tell you gentlemen, I only put £30,000 on top of Mr. Meredith, I wanted buy this new machine that would enable me to diagnose his rare disease and save others. It´s what he would have wanted." 
Then Adrian Smith the preacher said: "I have to confess, I only put £10,000 on top of Mr. Barricks. We needed that money to help more homeless, and it´s what Mr. Meredith would have wanted" 

John Smith the insurance agent was angry at both men and said: "I can´t believe both of you, stealing from a dead man. I wrote Mr. Meredith a check for the full £50,000!"

insurance jokes and quotations.